When parents first hear from their teen that they’re questioning their gender, they can feel as if they’ve been thrown into a rollercoaster of emotions. Confusion, fear, sadness, and even anger and disappointment. Parents’ minds race with worries and concerns about their teen’s future, as well as their own future. It can feel like sitting in the front row of a rollercoaster without any safety gear.

There’s only one sensible thing you can do now: breathe. Take a deep breath in through your nose, counting to 5, hold it for 5, then exhale through your mouth while counting to 5, and hold it again for 5. And again. What you just did was reclaim the captain’s seat, if only for a moment. You are taking charge of what’s happening in your mind and body, choosing where to focus your attention. Being present in the moment, not in some future scenario that may very well never happen.