As a coach, I often talk about communication skills. But beneath every meaningful conversation is a foundational choice that dictates the entire future of your bond; in any relationship, we are constantly choosing between two opposing forces: choosing ourselves (our needs, our truth) OR choosing to flex ourselves to protect the relationship.

Or, to put it another way: we default to "good old" comfort OR we can choose the radical step of building a future that is yet unknown to us.

We all make compromises in relationships. That’s normal. But for the LGBTQIA+ community, this choice is not a simple negotiation — it’s a deeply ingrained mechanism of survival. And if you’re a parent, understanding this dynamic is the single most important step you can take to build a truly authentic connection with your teen; not just accepting them but rooting for them!

Here is the essential context: because of widespread societal oppression, discrimination, and hostility, LGBTQIA+ people develop a masterful, often unseen skill for self-editing. This isn't a personality flaw; it’s a complex, learned survival mechanism. From an early age, society teaches LGBTQIA+ individuals that their authentic identity is "too large," "too loud," or "too complicated" for the room. So, what we learn is to edit ourselves, make ourselves smaller, more acceptable, more invisible.

For cisgender and straight individuals, the small compromises of relationship are usually low-stakes. But for queer individuals, the calculation is vastly different and comes from a place of withstanding social conditions and the deep-seated need to belong. Thus, LGBTQIA+ people are far more prone to self-sacrifice than cisgender and straight individuals.

The need to belong is especially strong during youth. We know that during adolescence kids can also be cruel. During the teenage years, one is usually moving away from the parents towards peers. Belonging in a peer group is so vital for developmental tasks in adolescence that youth can make big sacrifices in order to fit in. 

This can mean these sorts of things:

• I have a crush, but is it safe to share it with this group? Is my orientation accepted? Maybe I’ll just stay quiet and wait a little longer.
  
  

• I don’t like my given name anymore. I have a nickname I prefer, but will people start asking questions if I bring up the topic of my name? I don’t want to draw attention to myself.
  
  

• I want to change my appearance, including my hairstyle and clothes. Are my new friends going to ask questions if I do it? Is it really worth it?
  
  

This can be a constant, exhausting internal negotiation. The goal is to protect those newly forming peer relationships or secure old friendships, but the price paid can be to lose yourself. I want to be clear on this: in some environments, it is absolutely needed to do these kind of negotiations in order to protect yourself. It can keep a person safe, but it will almost always drain their joy.

Some teens have a fabulous group of friends that truly accepts and celebrates them as they are. That’s wonderful! Every teen deserves that, and it should be a given that no one is left outside because of their gender or sexuality. However, if and when there are bumps in the peer relationships, that is when the family vitally becomes important.

When queer teens can’t be themselves with their classmates or friends, they are hiding parts of themselves and creating a mask. Continuing this development longer, it can be exhausting and truly detrimental to the relationship they have with themselves — a way to lose oneself. This is the crucial moment when YOU as the parent or other adult ally are needed!

If the bond between you and your teen is strong enough, the teen will come to you looking for warmth and acceptance, just like they did as a kid. You can’t replace the need for friendships, but what you can do is love them, so that they know they can and definitely should be out there looking for a supportive and accepting group of friends. Because they are worth it, just as they are. THIS is the very lesson you can provide them with: they have value as human beings; they shouldn’t have to submit to hiding parts of themselves in order to be accepted.

This continuous, organic movement towards peers and back to the supportive connection established and renewed in the everyday with parents or caregivers is the very thing that builds every teen’s resilience.

When an LGBTQIA+ teen consistently filters and minimizes who they are for the sake of parental or peer comfort, they may keep the peace, but the connection immediately loses its integrity. If the person is not themselves, then who exactly are you connecting with?

The relationship will become starved of real connection. You are now connecting with a curated role, a mask, a defense. It’s a tragedy because the teen was putting everything at stake in order to keep the relationship. The connection will start to feel hollow, usually leading the teen to pull away from the relationship even further. In this process, they sometimes lose not only the family ties but themselves — and these are on us to fix.